Saturday, October 25, 2008

Access Denied

Do you have things or people in your life that no longer serve a purpose? If so, why?

In 2008, I decided to stop accepting unacceptable things. I released unhealthy patterns. I also slowly, and sometimes abruptly, released people. If they brought pain, misery, or unnecessary stress into my life, then it was time for them to go. Their access to this vadrmgrl was denied or severely limited.

One of my first access denials was to a young lady at my job who didn't drive. Sometimes she would need a ride to the Metro or to get something to eat. She wanted me to stop by on my way into the office to drive her to get money orders. She would call to borrow money. (She always paid me back when she said she would.) Since I have a truck, I even helped her move some furniture to her house. I didn't mind these things at first, but as time went on, I noticed that she only called whenever she needed something. After a while, it got tiresome. I didn't feel the need to play Yellow Cab anymore to have her friendship. I started saying 'no' to her requests. That 'no' helped me relieve some of my need to please people. We still say 'hi' and talk a little whenever we see each other, but I'm not driven to always help her or do what she needs.

I also had to access deny a guy that I've known for 15 years. He's a good guy, but he couldn't keep his word to save his life. One of my pet peeves is people saying that they're going to do something, and then they don't. I understand that issues come up, but repeatedly doing that tells me that I shouldn't put too much energy into dealing with them. It's aggravating. So after the umpteenth time of his not following his word or following through, I told him not to call me anymore. Yes, I was abrupt about it. It was stressing me. He was falling into my 'unacceptable things' category. I chose not to accept.

Here are some of my others. They include minimal/limited access:

-A friend calling me and talking for hours only about her and her family (we didn't have reciprocal conversations) - ACCESS DIMINISHED.
-A high school friend passing judgement on me - ACCESS DIMINISHED.
-A guy calling me up and fussing at me for not calling him for his bday (but when I ask him when my birthday is, he doesn't know) or telling me about a woman's place in the world (the bedroom and kitchen according to him) - ACCESS DENIED.
-Lying, cheating, and breaking my heart - ACCESS DEFINITELY DENIED!!

Now, I'm not saying that I stop associating with people for the least little infraction. For years, unacceptable things still meant access granted. I wanted to be thought of as a good girl/person. But I realize that people are gonna think what they think. At this point in my life, I'm saying what I'm willing/not willing to accept. I'll pass on the unnecessary stress and pain.

So what about you? Have you had to access deny someone? If you still allowed access after pain, why? Do they serve a purpose?


Katie said...

Robin, for many of the reasons you have listed, I have had to cut people out of my life. I just realized that those people were not good for me. Others that I SHOULD have realized didn't belong in my life have still gotten the key card, but I think over time, I will become better at knowing when to revoke the pass.

VADRMGRL said...

It's taken me a minute to realize who gets a key card and who doesn't. (I repeatedly gave a key card to one undeserving individual MANY times). I think that your recognizing that maybe someone isn't worth the key is the first step :)