Been Sooooooo Long

Wow! It's been years since I've written on this blog! So many things in my life have changed. One of the biggest changes is that I've completed a two-year photography program. So, I'm working on becoming a professional photographer.

There are a LOT of photographers! And one of my biggest questions is how to stand out from the others. I'm about to find out!

Big Girl Words

What do you do when you want something? Do you ask specifically for what you want? Do you hint at it?

Many years ago, my brother asked me to babysit his daughter, my niece. I was in Germany when she was born, so I didn't see/meet her until she was almost two years old. I felt that that would give me a good chance to get to know her better, so I agreed.

He dropped her off at my grandparent's house since it was a familiar place for her. I figured that we'd watch Barney and play some games.

We never watched the full Barney episode. She cried the whole time.

I tried to get her to stop crying by waving candy and toys in front of her. That didn't work. After a while, I was getting pretty frustrated. I didn't know how to make her stop. At one point she flailed around on the floor, yelling that she wanted her daddy. I told her that I wanted him, too!

I took her into the dining room. Her cries died down when she saw a bowl of fruit on the table. She pointed at it (the bowl) and made this whimpering sound. I looked at the bowl and asked her what she wanted, but she kept pointing and making the sound.

I told her that she would have to use her big girl words and tell me which piece of fruit she wanted, but she wouldn't. She kept pointing and whimpering instead.

Finally, I took the bowl off of the table and brought it down to her level. I forgot which piece of fruit she picked, but she did stop crying/whimpering. She got what she wanted.

So do you whine and whimper or do you ask specifically for what you want? Do you use your big girl words?

Needs

A few months ago, I needed to buy a new shower curtain. Some of the hook holes had ripped on the old one, and the curtain was no longer hanging properly from the shower rod.

At the store, I found two that I really liked. They were reasonably priced and would match my teal-colored rugs and toilet seat cover. One had an imprint of the world and the other one had circles of various sizes and bluish/teal colors. I like globes and maps of the world, so I was leaning heavily towards getting that one. But there was a problem.

It was see-through. Totally transparent except for the world imprint. It was about $2 cheaper than the opaque circle curtain, so I was initially all for getting it. But I couldn't get past the world's transparency.

I kept thinking what if friends or relatives came over and really needed to use my one bathroom when I was in the shower? I didn't want them to see my kibbles and bits. Plus I didn't want a view of the bathroom when I was in the shower. I wanted to be in a separate world (no pun intended) where there were no distracting views of the toilet or sink. Just me, the water, the soap, and my thoughts.

I also kept thinking of the shower scene from the movie Psycho. So the transparency was a little disturbing. The thought of seeing someone walk into the bathroom while I was in the shower would be scary.

So as I stood in the store weighing my options, I chose the one that met ALL of my needs. My need for a curtain, my need for privacy, my need to keep water from landing on the floor, and my need to match my current rug and toilet seat cover.

I had to meet all of these needs at a reasonable price. So I chose the opaque circle shower curtain. As much as I wanted the world, I didn't pick it because it wouldn't meet ALL my needs.

That's the same way that I view relationships now. It has to meet my needs. Needs like honesty and consistency. Those MUST be met. I've compromised before and stayed in unhealthy relationships when those needs weren't met. Though I learned valuable lessons, I don't want to compromise like that again.

I don't need the world - just the truth and follow through. I've come around full circle.

A Quest

It's been over a month since my last entry. I can't believe it's been that long. I was on a quest. A soul-searching quest on how to be a more authentic VADRMGRL.

For the last few weeks, I've been reading voraciously. I've read about 4.5 books in the past two weeks. I've also been writing in my notebooks and journals. I tell ya - writing does my mind, body, and soul good!

What do you do when you need to figure out some things? Do you talk to friends, do you write, do you take a trip somewhere? Let me know.

Quote

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

-Agnes Repplier

Chains

Jason: Should I bring my own chains?

Mark: We always do.

These are the final lines from the existential movie I Heart (Love) Huckabees. Jason Schwartzman and Mark Wahlberg are discussing their next move. They make their decision as they utter these sometimes truthful words.

It's interesting how in life we are the ones holding ourselves back. We let things that other people say and do become our chains. We let them tell us about our limitations without ever proving them (or ourselves if we believe it) wrong. And we hold onto that chain without ever trying to break a link.

Sometimes we make our own chains by letting fear get the best of us. Fear will always hold you back and keep you down if you don't overcome it. Then you won't get to be the true gift to the world that you were meant to be.

So break some links and be the best that you can be. The world is waiting...

Ding

Have you had a moment of true clarity or realization? A moment when you just knew something? You have no doubt about it? The thought just pops into your head? What do you do with this information? Do you follow or believe it?

I loved the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was well-written and thought-provoking. In one episode, Buffy realizes that maybe she doesn't have enough strength for an upcoming battle. She doesn't say it. It's just a moment where she's putting a book on a shelf, and the thought crosses her mind. Every time the episode showed her putting that book away, that ding went off - a realization of her doubt.

I heard that ding sound loud and clear at the end of 2007. A friend and I had decided to exchange Christmas gifts. She and I had known each other for over 10 years. A lot of her luggage and personal items were lost after a flight, and I wanted to help replace some of her more treasured pieces. A camera being one of them.

Most of my friends know that I don't really care for material gifts. A gift card or hanging out are things that make me happy. Earlier that year, she had offered me a knock off Coach purse. I'm not big on purses, so I told her that I didn't want it.

Well, when Christmas rolled around, I proudly gave her the new camera that I had bought. Guess what was one of my gifts? That's right - that purse. Though I smiled, I was actually hurt that she offered me something that I hadn't wanted months ago. Why would I want it now?

In that moment, I heard a ding go off in my head. The ding was followed by the words, "She doesn't really know you." I was sad at the realization that she didn't really know me. People that have only known me for a short time know that I don't like ice or that I run my apartment heater on rotisserie settings (chicken, anyone?) After 10 years, she didn't know that I didn't like material things? Hmmpphh.

She and I are no longer friends. Not because of the purse, but because of other things. I helped her set up her camera, but she never took a picture of me or of us on what was to be one of the last days of our friendship.

Buffy went on to eventually win the battle. Just like I'll go on to make friends that I'll know and that'll know me. I'll listen to what they have to say. I'll pay attention. I'll listen for the dings - realizations of the truth. And I'll decide whether to fight or lose the battle for that friendship.